The Safety Net

Anuj wiped his spectacles while staring at the computer screen. A report that he was supposed to have finished by now stared back at him. Scrolling through the data, he could see that there were several areas that needed refining, images that seemed a bit out of place among the text. He would definitely have to work on it some more before he could submit it to his manager. He glanced at the time on his screen monitor.
7.30pm
It was quite late and it didn’t seem like he was going to get any more work done tonight. If the last half hour was any indication, his productivity was on a steady decline. Might as well leave, he thought, I can come in early tomorrow morning and finish up.

Saving his work, he closed his laptop and got up from his chair to stretch a little. Four hours of sitting in one posture had taken its toll. He should probably get one of those standing desks Nina had got, he thought absently.

Nina, who worked for the London foreign exchange team sat near him and would tell anyone who was willing to listen about the dangers of a sedentary lifestyle. Human beings were not made to sit down for 8 hours a day, she would say, it’s so unnatural, it cannot be good for us. There was some truth to that. Maybe tomorrow he would put in a request with the facilities team for a standing desk…or maybe not. It would depend on how he felt about it tomorrow, he thought and yawned.

A quick scan around the office made him realise that he was the only one still there. Yeah, definitely time to go home. It had been a long day and he was exhausted.

He took the lift to the ground floor and as he stepped outside his 10 storey office building, he was welcomed with a warm breeze. Wednesday was done. Only two more days until the weekend. The thought made him feel slightly better.

He pulled out a cigarette and went towards the smoking area in the corner. He noticed Ronit, from the marketing team, was already there; smoking, with a foot propped up against the wall he was leaning on. He smiled as Anuj came near.

“Hey, I didn’t think you were going to be leaving anytime soon,’

“Yeah, me neither,’ Anuj mumbled as he lit his cigarette.

“You guys seem to be working round the clock. All set for the offsite meeting?”

“You know how it is,’ Anuj took a long drag. “I don’t think we will be ready until the D day.”

“True story,” Ronit laughed, “but you’ll be fine. If it makes any difference, everyone in office thinks you’re the best in the IT support team.”

“Thanks man.”

They smoked in silence for a bit until Ronit mentioned the project that the marketing and IT teams were collaborating on. They spoke at length about it; about how the project was shaping up, if it was feasible in the long run and what cuts would need to be made to make it more cost-effective.

Ronit finally stamped the remainder of his cigarette out.

“I gotta run man or I’ll miss my bus again. My girlfriend was not happy the last time I went home late” he said with a sheepish grin and bidding a quick farewell, he left.

After a brief internal struggle, Anuj pulled out another cigarette from his pack and lit it up. He usually stuck to just one or two cigarettes a day, usually one after lunch and one at the end of the day but today was one of those days – the cheat days, as his wife Rhea, a gym junkie, would call it. He was tired but he was also restless and needed to calm down.

He stared absently at the wall opposite him as he smoked. It had been four years since he had been working with this company and what Ronit had said about him being known as one of the good ones in the team had not come as a surprise. He was good at his job. He was also reserved and polite and did not indulge in office politics of any kind. These collective traits earned him the badge of being the nice guy at work, which suited him just fine. He kept his head low, did his work, collected his paycheck and went back home; minding his own business all throughout. The annual performance review was coming up. He would probably get a decent pay hike if his manager’s subtle hints were anything to go by.
As he thought about this, he felt a sense of bone-deep weariness engulf him. Would he really care if he didn’t? Probably not. Money was good but it was not everything.

***
“Rhea, this is a great opportunity for me!” Anuj said, exasperated.

“It’s also a risk Anuj. I mean, think about it. What if it doesn’t work out? How many artists actually make it out there and to top it all, you’re new in the market. You still have a long way to go to build your client base, to gain some credibility. I want to support your dream, I really do, but I think you’re making a mistake by giving up this job for it.”

“I want to take that risk, Rhea. I mean, if I want to make it in this industry, I need to give it my all. I don’t want it as a side hussle. I want to make a career out of my art.” Anuj said.

“But will this career pay the bills? Will it put food on the table or pay our mortgage? Please try and understand. We don’t know how long the struggle can take. Is it really worth it, if you think sensibly? We need this job. You can always paint during your free time. Once you gain some visibility, then take the leap.” Rhea pleaded.

And so, he had ended up going for the interview and was recruited as a Technical Support Specialist for a reputed firm. He understood Rhea’s concerns. It would have been difficult for them if he didn’t have a steady paying job. Nobody knew how long it would take for his paintings to be recognized, to create a mark for himself..that is, if it happened at all. Anuj was not naïve. He knew all too well of artists who struggled and struggled, only to give up at the end. The industry could be cruel, in that sense. Just like any job, you needed to prove your worth, needed to be the best.
***

Yes, Anuj thought, as he sat in the bus on his way back home. It would have been difficult for them if he hadn’t taken up this job. But would it have been impossible? A meek voice asked from within. It was a thought that often plagued him. Should he have been more insistent about his career choice? Should he have fought harder, convinced Rhea that he could, that he would make it. Would the lack of a safety net, of a steady source of income have driven him harder to achieve his goals?

Try as he might, he never could get rid of those questions. As he had predicted, his job took up most of his time. During the initial days, he would paint during the weekends but it was different.  It was not how he had envisioned it. His paintings lacked character, lacked imagination; they reflect the lack of time spent on them. He was painting as a hobby and not as a livelihood and that somehow seemed to make all the difference.  After a point, he couldn’t bring himself to paint anymore because he felt he was somehow letting himself down further with his half-hearted attempts. And so, he eventually stopped painting at all.

From a work perspective, he was doing well. He was bringing in the stable income that Rhea and he had thought they needed but what he couldn’t bring in was a spark of enthusiasm, an excitement of any kind towards his profession. Something seemed to have withered inside him when he made the choice of choosing safety over his passion.
Now after four years of that, he didn’t know if he could go back.

 

Anuj unlocked the door of his apartment and as he stepped in, he noticed Rhea sitting on the couch, watching television.

“Hey, you’re home,’ she said, smiling softly, “How was your day?”

“Good,” Anuj said automatically as he sat next to her.

“I have a surprise for you,” she said, nudging his shoulder. Anuj raised an eye brow at her. This was not like Rhea. She was definitely not one for giving surprises or indulging in any spontaneous behavior for that matter. She was more serious and did not believe in this kind of wishy washy business. He couldn’t remember a time in their 9 years together when she had ever surprised him.

“C’mon!” Rhea laughed, getting up and pulling him along, “It’s in the study.”

Anuj followed Rhea into the adjoining room and stopped short. There in front of him was a blank canvass with a paint brush and palette neatly lined up before it. He was surprised, to say the least. He had locked up all his material a while back.

“I think it’s about time you take that leap, don’t you think?” Rhea said, looking at him with a tentative smile.

“I still haven’t made any industry contacts and I’m probably worse off that I was four years back with my artistic ability,” Anuj pointed out.

“But this is your dream,” Rhea said confidently, “You will find a way back.”

Anuj shook his head, not so sure himself. Four years was a long time and he honestly didn’t know if he had any creative sense left in him but he went and sat down in front of the canvass anyway. He picked up the paint brush and stared at the blank white screen for a long time. Finally, he dipped the brush in black paint and drew a random line across the canvass. Again, he dipped his brush in the palette and this time drew a red line across the canvass. And on it went. Again and again, until the canvass was filled with a crisscross of coloured lines that were almost childlike in their simplicity and as Anuj continued filling the canvass with strokes of different coloured paint, he felt something loosen in his chest. A sense of calm descended on him and he felt a weight lift off his shoulders. Even after working a 10 hour shift that day, he felt recharged. He felt energized.

And he finally…finally felt free.